16 Apr When Men Go Silent

What’s good people. Kings and queens. I’m about to show you some real thing right here. So, here’s the scenario, a very nervous and anxious man finally calls up the woman he’s been trying to pursue:

“You know I love you. I love you so much that I’ll climb the highest mountains just for you. I will climb Mount Everest and challenge every obstacle that’s in the way to get to you. I will swim the deepest oceans to shining seas just to get next to you. I will fight every animal in the jungle just to get next to you and to keep you safe from harm. And if it doesn’t rain tonight, I will come through and take you out”, he says.

And this right here, is a clear example of a too-good-to-be-true  statements of someone pursuing someone. This reminds me of Christopher Marlowe’s poem about “The Passionate  Shepherd to his Love”.

For a man to say and really mean these figurative statements considering the belief that men are naturally silent and discreet would mean on the one hand that a lot of courage and sacrifice were used in the process.

So from this scenario, we can say men can be a wordsmith but why do men go silent? And this is a special topic that I want to talk about especially because it’s a request from you, my dear audience. This topic is about “Why do men go silent”.   Here are some few reasons that women have to understand:

• First reason, men go silent because they prefer to be silent to process things through.

If the man is listening properly most likely that he’s digesting and analyzing, and he is really taking consideration to what he’s listening. This is a great thing because this means he’s not just listening to be able to respond but listening to understand. This is great to women who open up not to get answers or solutions but to establish better relationships with their man. And this is how love blossoms.There is no better  source to attest with my reasoning’s as to why men go silent than John Gray’s book. So remember the words of John Gray,

“When a man can listen to a woman’s feelings without getting angry and frustrated, he gives her a wonderful gift. He makes it safe for her to express herself. The more she is able to express herself, the more she feels heard and understood, and the more she is able to give a man the loving trust, acceptance, appreciation, approval, and encouragement that he needs.”― John Gray, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

• Another reason why men go silent would be, men sometimes have a hard time expressing themselves and expressing their feelings.

I think from the start, the environment, childhood upbringing and psychological differences have accustomed us or men rather to this state of being silent. Society tells a kid, “You’re a guy you should not blabber that much”. Parents especially fathers say to their kid, “It is not okay to cry or man up and stop acting like a little girl”. All these things that society and other people say contribute in the natural defense mechanism of men to just stay quiet and to prevent themselves from expressing and getting in touch with their emotions.

• Men go silent because they prefer to suppress or keep things to themselves.

And with this pattern, men are known to have this bravado or the tough guy outside with the strong and hard heart. This pattern greatly contributes also with men’s behavioral difference to women. Men would rather tuck in their shell like how a turtle would or men would just go down to their place of misery to keep it all at bay.

In the words of John Gray in his bestselling book, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus:

“While Martians tend to pull away and silently think about what’s bothering them,Venusians feel an instinctive need to talk about what’s bothering them”.

John Gray acknowledges the fact that men who in his book are called Martians, tend to naturally keep quiet to think through while women or Venusians as what Gray terms tend to open up and express themselves.

• And sometimes men go silent just because they  don’t want to say the wrong things.

Men tend to be sensitive and cautious with their statements. They tend to be careful of their words because they’re fully aware that once words come out, then these can’t be retracted. And this is usually the case for men if they’re dealing with nagging women or what they call, a leaky faucet. Men again turn into their defensive mechanism in dealing with nagging women to avoid these situations getting on their nerves.

• Men go silent because they try to control their emotions.

They try to hold on as long as they can even if it’s just listening or pretending to listen just to keep a peaceful ambience. Being a man myself I can guarantee you that if a man goes silent and you’re giving him an opportunity to speak either, he won’t quite know how to express himself or he might be trying to play the nice guy tactic. The irony is man wants to show how he really feels but done with so much discreet or in a silent way just to make my point as clear as possible. Man try to go on both sides.

Just as John Gray writes in his book, I also believe that men are built differently. Men like to conquer. Men like to achieve. Men like to be in charge and men like a lot of different things.But why are men silent.

• Sometimes a man can be shut down and silenced out based on the woman’s actions or vibe.

One important personality of men is their need to feel needed even when their silent most of the time. Men naturally are doers; real men get up with ambition. They go out and kill something and drag it home. For men that’s conquering. Men want to feel like they’re needed and feel like they’re important. So, I think this is a problem when it comes to women with strong personalities. Before I continue expounding this matter please be reminded that my opinions and viewpoints are not definite or standard ways of how things go in a relationship. Again, this is only one way of seeing things.

And to continue the discussion about “why men go silent” I want to borrow John Gray’s another quotable quote,

“‎when men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom”. I have to add this quote because it catches the idea that I want to implicate at the beginning. A woman has to understand that if she is the expressive one in the relationship and if  a man suddenly goes silent, I hope that this woman can extend an understanding and stretch out her patience when she can and just express what she wants.  A woman must communicate and say, “I need your help or even say I deserve your help”. Because if you’re not in tune with each other this can turn into a misunderstanding; a woman might regard a man’s silence as indifference or negligence, or a man’s effort to engage into the conversation but might fail miserably because of his inability to express and this might turn out as intruding or unbecoming to the woman. Again, communication is critical with this case.

Anyways, I want to discuss about being open-minded with men’s emotions. Emotions seem to be nowhere in the formula for men. I say this because I grew up with this kind of culture and I respect feminist beliefs that men are no different than women, but my life experiences and my cultural identity have made me see men with representations from the Warriors of the world to the professional football players. But guess what, when people lose at the Super Bowl or the NBA Championship or win these games men cry at both events. So, emotions are always there, and I wouldn’t dare bringing all of the reasons why men go silent without pointing this out.

A piece of advice for women if you’re not okay when your man  goes silent  during conversations,

you have to get in touch with your man and let him know what you’re feeling. You have to let him know that you really appreciate him sharing his emotions with you. Let him know how that truly makes you feel, and what that truly means to you. You know, you can make him a warm cup of tea or whatever his favorite thing is right. And don’t even bring something up when you’re having one of those moments. Bring it up at just a regular, you know a high time right. Give him something and let him know then at that moment when things are good. You know, I really appreciate it when you open up to me. I really appreciate it. When you express yourself to me, it makes me feel so good. Right you make it as seductive as you want to or however you want to do it. But it’s important that you let him know how that makes you feel and I guarantee you that this will open up the ability for him to be more open and transparent with you.

I definitely would not rule out professional help or therapy

because these people know things professionally that’s why they are called professionals but what I can give you are pieces of advice from a man myself who experiences and experienced these scenarios. As they say, experience is the best teacher. And my aim is  to share these experiences that I might save a relationship  from committing the same misunderstanding over and over again just because your man suddenly goes silent.  I want to know what is it that you want to hear about or what is  on your mind that you’re dealing with. I’m here to listen and share my thoughts,  my experiences and my viewpoints.  I’m a pretty well-rounded person and my spirit is to help you. My goal is to help you. I want you to succeed or whatever is it that you want to do.

Moving on,

Earlier, I cited Marlowe’s poem to denote how a man can say a masterpiece when pursuing someone. Now, I want to cite an excerpt of Sir Raleigh’s poem depicting a woman’s strong reply to her suitor. I don’t have a problem with strong women. I love a strong woman; a woman that is independent and is entitled of her actions, but these kinds of women must know that men will always extend help and be in action to their own beau with or without consent. And I hope when the time comes, women must not shun away and take this for granted.  A woman must know that what she needs, her man is there to supply that. (This is another topic that I hope to discuss some other time.)

This is the end of my Blog. This is Terrill. Look your best, do your best, be your best. I'm out.